Clingy

There are many things I am not good at in this world. A lot of them I have come to terms with and have tried to improve these weaknesses over time. Others I have cut loose and given up, conceding that I will never be good it them. And then there’s the final category, the one where I know I’m rubbish but somehow don’t ever think about it. A rather big build up you may think and I’m afraid you are now going to be as disappointed like we all were when The Phantom Menace came out in the cinema. You see, I’m rubbish at handling cling-film.

I abhor the thing and yet I accept that it is part of daily life. I make my lunch in the mornings after realising that I save x amount of pounds a week by not eating canteen food. I did the math and it’s worth a couple of hundred pounds a year. I realised that I actually like making sandwiches with cold toast (perhaps I’m a freak). So every morning I make my toast butter the each slice and slap in either cheese, ham or if I’m feeling sophisticated, humus. Anyhow, I’ve mastered this process just as well and can do it while day dreaming about what it would be like to live in a country where it was sunny each morning. However, things come to a sharp halt and I need all my senses to tackle the next task. I often knock back a gulp of black coffee to galvanise myself before opening the cupboard. There in a rectangular box is the cling-film I use to wrap up my sandwiches. Every morning I pick up the box open the flap to see the serrated metal edge on the inside. I see this as some sort of intimidation tactic so bare my own teeth at the box to show I am not scared. I grab the sticky translucent sheet and begin to pull. I tug hard and the sheet unravels from the roll but always being careful not let my fingers get entwined at the end. For I have fallen at this stage many time before where I it all gets stuck and I try to pull my hand away but only succeed in unravelling more cling-film which eventually gets rolled back but all baggy and practically unusable.

Still this isn’t the most difficult bit. The hard part comes when I try to cut the sheet using the serrated edge. Every time I pull back and with force run the sheet against the edge only one end of the sheet tears off and nothing more. Once that happens going back is pointless because as you pull it back you tear the sheet unevenly and it becomes loose and clings on to itself which is a nightmare to unpick. No shit, this event happens every morning and each day I think I need to go on some cling-film handling course. Eventually what is left is a ball of cling-film which I try to wrap my sandwiches with. I usually manage to cover the top half but some of the unpicking is just too difficult to do so I tear that piece off and take another gulp of my coffee. I stare at the ball of cling-film terrorising my sandwiches and virtually every other day I give up and pull it away and throw it in the bin. I then turn to cling-films arch but more expensive enemy, tin foil. The cutting of the required amount of foil is easy as is the wrapping of my sandwiches but there is still something in ‘the morning’ me that wants to master the art of cling-film handling.