Drinky Drinky

I read an article about being healthy and that we should drink at least 5 pints of water a day. I quaffed at the thought whilst munching on a red apple. As if anyone could do something like that I said to myself when I realised that 5 pints isn’t actually that much when put into a different context. Drinking 5 pints of ale in a pub over the space of three hours isn’t entirely out of the question, especially when the company is good. But thinking about drinking 5 pints of water over the space of 8 hours had me feeling bloated. So what better way to find out than to try.

I brought in a pint glass to work and at 8:15 poured myself my first pint of water. I also made a cup of coffee to perk me up and sat at my desk surrounded by fluids. The first pint was going down quite a treat. I was habitually taking small sips and within the hour it was no more. The coffee too was gone within quick time. So around 9:30 I got back up and poured another pint and placed it back down on my desk.
This time the water didn’t go down so speedily, my whistle had been whetted enough so it stayed by my side annoying me as my mouse banged against it. Still, I persisted and by around 11:45 I’d finished my second pint of water. It was around this point I realised I really wanted to go to the toilet, so went. Upon my return I poured myself another pint of water and thought to myself, If I could drink at least a quarter by lunch then, when I get back there wouldn’t be so much to drink. It was all becoming a bit of a chore now.

When I got back I noticed I’d hardly touched the 3rd pint but still took a large swig. In fact I just kept on drinking until half of it was gone. Then I felt sick and bloated. Still I was happy that I was more than halfway in filling my daily water intake quota.

It was around 16:00 when I’d finished the 3rd pint. I’d been to the bathroom four times since and was beginning to grow a complex that people had noticed I kept leaving my desk. I had my argument though, should I be pulled up on it. I would tell whoever it was that I was listening to what nutritionists recommend and drinking 5 pints of water was essential. As a result, I had to go to the bathroom a lot. Simple as.

No one did so I began drinking my 4th pint during a meeting. Everyone had plastic cups whilst I chugged down my penultimate pint. I could feel the water bubbling in my stomach and rising to my chest. I suddenly felt a bit uneasy, and started breathing in a strange way so not to antagonise the vast amount of water my body was holding. Last thing I wanted was someone to say, ‘Mr Paddington’s Shadow, what do you think?’ And then I open my mouth and something like this happens (I love that show by the way.)

Luckily, no one asked me any questions and I refrained from speaking in fact when I got back to my desk I just sat there quietly and worked. I concluded that 5 pints of water is too much to drink for one person when they are not having fun.

In other news, may I point you in the direction of this blog. Here you find highly entertaining and funny podcasts that discusses the real important issues in life such as the lost lyrics from the Fresh Prince of Bell Air rap. Go now!