Salmon /Sal mon
[Modern English, derives from a slang Milton Keynes colloquialism]
n. Human being that sees actual existence inferior to the virtual kind.
That would be the dictionary definition of my friend Salmon (as seen on the right). You see Salmon is addicted to Internet gaming, particularly one, World of WarCraft. I've known Salmon for many years but it's only recently that it dawned on me that he prefers his virtual life than his real one.
Salmon was never really social, he did go out now and then but was definitely a reserved fellow. However, when there was a house party at the house he lived in he would always join in. That is when, I believe, the trouble started. You see the first party that was held at the house he lived in he would drink a few cans of Fosters, chat up a few chicks and generally adhere to all basic young male mannerisms. However, the next day he would get quite an amount of pleasure in informing everyone just how much of a fool they made of themselves. This was always followed by him taking a sip of his coffee with a wide beaming smile of smugness emitting from his face as he put the mug back down. Unfortunately for salmon that smug smile would soon turn into a startled gaze, one like when you are almost at work and then you realise you’ve left the iron plugged in. It came about when I decided to bring a video camera to a party to see what stuff I would find in the morning. That night Salmon was drinking vodka with me and a few others and started to get a bit smashed. He took the camera off me and wondered off, I didn’t mind because I was rapidly deteriorating into semi drunken consciousness. I remember a few yells of “Salmon, for fuck sakes”, and “You better not be recording”. The next day after that party we decided to check out the tape, there was nothing too incriminating, a few people being stupid by rave dancing topless to no music, however, it was Salmon’s audio commentary that was the most interesting part. You see a smashed Salmon conveyed in a slurred manner exactly what he thought of everyone caught on camera. The type of drivel that he said was “She’s well fit, I’d love to F*%k her” and “Doesn’t she know, she’s rank”, also “She well pisses me off”. Everyone was crying with laughter, rolling around on the floor unable to comprehend that someone so mild mannered and stiff would ever come out with stuff like this. Maybe we laughed because we didn’t know how to react. Salmon though was not laughing, his tanned tinged face had now gone white, his eyes enlarged to the similar size of a habitual ecstasy taker and his mouth was of course drooping. It took at least half an hour to convince Salmon that we didn’t think he was a misogynist. Even now I don’t think he believed us, the grapple paranoia had around conscious was too strong. Salmon, announced he was no longer drinking alcohol or partaking in anything social again. And he hasn’t.
I first saw the change when he told me he was looking forward to a new Internet game that was coming out. At the time he was working at the computer place Game so I thought it was related to a promotion they were running. Once World of WarCraft came out no one saw him for weeks, he’d stay in his room all day and night playing this game. When I came round to see him I’d get a few grunts about how hard the trolls are and how wicked elves are. True, I love elfish looking women but I don’t think that was his point. He did though hold a torch for one girl who would come and see him. Before Salmon made his pledge they would go to the cinema, art galleries and gigs together but since the game came out he wasn’t interested in anything like that at all. I started to worry when he quit his job in Game for a part time one in a school. “It’s so I can write my novel” he told me. I never believed him, especially when I asked him how it was going and he refused to tell me on the grounds that someone had leaked part of his storyline to someone and jeopardised his whole novel. However the last straw was when the girl he liked said she couldn’t be bothered with Salmon anymore.
“Why?” I asked.
“Well, I asked him if he would consider going back to work full time, you know, because he’s got no money”. She replied.
Oh right, what did he say?
“Well, he said he’s got money. So I asked where and he replied that he’d just won some money in the game by beating someone”.
And with that she left and hasn’t come back to see him. Salmon just snorts every time I mention her name to the point where I don’t bother anymore. All he does now is stay up really late playing World of WarCraft and then works 3 hours followed by more of that game. I even told him he had a problem but he just ignores me. So Salmon, I’ve written this piece to seek advice on how to sway you from thinking your real life is worse than your virtual one.
[Modern English, derives from a slang Milton Keynes colloquialism]
n. Human being that sees actual existence inferior to the virtual kind.
That would be the dictionary definition of my friend Salmon (as seen on the right). You see Salmon is addicted to Internet gaming, particularly one, World of WarCraft. I've known Salmon for many years but it's only recently that it dawned on me that he prefers his virtual life than his real one.
Salmon was never really social, he did go out now and then but was definitely a reserved fellow. However, when there was a house party at the house he lived in he would always join in. That is when, I believe, the trouble started. You see the first party that was held at the house he lived in he would drink a few cans of Fosters, chat up a few chicks and generally adhere to all basic young male mannerisms. However, the next day he would get quite an amount of pleasure in informing everyone just how much of a fool they made of themselves. This was always followed by him taking a sip of his coffee with a wide beaming smile of smugness emitting from his face as he put the mug back down. Unfortunately for salmon that smug smile would soon turn into a startled gaze, one like when you are almost at work and then you realise you’ve left the iron plugged in. It came about when I decided to bring a video camera to a party to see what stuff I would find in the morning. That night Salmon was drinking vodka with me and a few others and started to get a bit smashed. He took the camera off me and wondered off, I didn’t mind because I was rapidly deteriorating into semi drunken consciousness. I remember a few yells of “Salmon, for fuck sakes”, and “You better not be recording”. The next day after that party we decided to check out the tape, there was nothing too incriminating, a few people being stupid by rave dancing topless to no music, however, it was Salmon’s audio commentary that was the most interesting part. You see a smashed Salmon conveyed in a slurred manner exactly what he thought of everyone caught on camera. The type of drivel that he said was “She’s well fit, I’d love to F*%k her” and “Doesn’t she know, she’s rank”, also “She well pisses me off”. Everyone was crying with laughter, rolling around on the floor unable to comprehend that someone so mild mannered and stiff would ever come out with stuff like this. Maybe we laughed because we didn’t know how to react. Salmon though was not laughing, his tanned tinged face had now gone white, his eyes enlarged to the similar size of a habitual ecstasy taker and his mouth was of course drooping. It took at least half an hour to convince Salmon that we didn’t think he was a misogynist. Even now I don’t think he believed us, the grapple paranoia had around conscious was too strong. Salmon, announced he was no longer drinking alcohol or partaking in anything social again. And he hasn’t.
I first saw the change when he told me he was looking forward to a new Internet game that was coming out. At the time he was working at the computer place Game so I thought it was related to a promotion they were running. Once World of WarCraft came out no one saw him for weeks, he’d stay in his room all day and night playing this game. When I came round to see him I’d get a few grunts about how hard the trolls are and how wicked elves are. True, I love elfish looking women but I don’t think that was his point. He did though hold a torch for one girl who would come and see him. Before Salmon made his pledge they would go to the cinema, art galleries and gigs together but since the game came out he wasn’t interested in anything like that at all. I started to worry when he quit his job in Game for a part time one in a school. “It’s so I can write my novel” he told me. I never believed him, especially when I asked him how it was going and he refused to tell me on the grounds that someone had leaked part of his storyline to someone and jeopardised his whole novel. However the last straw was when the girl he liked said she couldn’t be bothered with Salmon anymore.
“Why?” I asked.
“Well, I asked him if he would consider going back to work full time, you know, because he’s got no money”. She replied.
Oh right, what did he say?
“Well, he said he’s got money. So I asked where and he replied that he’d just won some money in the game by beating someone”.
And with that she left and hasn’t come back to see him. Salmon just snorts every time I mention her name to the point where I don’t bother anymore. All he does now is stay up really late playing World of WarCraft and then works 3 hours followed by more of that game. I even told him he had a problem but he just ignores me. So Salmon, I’ve written this piece to seek advice on how to sway you from thinking your real life is worse than your virtual one.
1 comment:
I feel sad for Salmon. He's clearly in a bit of a funk (and not a James Brown-endorsed one).
He needs the love of a good, non-elfin woman.
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