Mouf Wash

I’m not writing about the Kate Nash song here. I’m talking about my recent experience in purchasing mouthwash. I usually gurgle Listerine Mint Fresh which has served me well the last couple of years. However, when in Tesco last week all the Listerine Mint Fresh was sold out. Instead of moaning I thought I’d treat this as an opportunity to try something new. So I scanned the shelves until something caught my eye which was Oral B. It is light blue similar to my usual mouth wash so I bunged it in my basket and walked off.

The next morning I got ready for work, staring at the mirror examining for any unusual growths like spots or boils. Luckily there was none so I proceeded to the next stage of turning myself socially tolerable for the working environment, which was brushing my teeth. After cleaning my nashers I grabbed the Oral B mouth wash, spent a few seconds negotiating the safety cap and poured and generous amount in my mouth. Within seconds I realised that this didn’t taste very nice. It wasn’t a horrible flavour swishing in my gob, it tasted like Hubba Bubba but with a very rich texture so it felt like you had 20 Hubba Bubba’s in your mouth at once. I couldn’t take it anymore and spat everything out before I even got to the gurgling and poured the remaining contents down the sink. I set off to work remembering that I needed to buy some new mouth wash and when the day was over I diverted into Sainsbury’s this time. Again, no mint fresh Listerine but I thought I’d definitely get one from the same family so I settled with Original. It looked more like a disinfectant than an oral cleanser but I just threw it in the basket and carried on.

Again I found myself standing in front of the mirror the next morning and again I was checking my face for any unwanted growths. The check came back clean but a dark red patch just by my jaw is beginning to look ominous. I thought nothing of it and brushed my teeth. I reached for the mouth wash and poured out a sizeable amount in the cap. I threw it into my mouth and immediately felt my mouth burn. My nasal passages cleared as the burning spread. My hard pallet felt like it was melting and soon would be part of the soft one. My gums began to feel sore and my tongue just exacerbated everything by swishing the mouth wash around. I started coughing and tried to spit it out but couldn’t get it out. I fell back and accidentally flushed the toilet as I finally spat it out but not with out swallowing a little bit of it. It tasted like TCP. I just stared at the wall, my eyes watery and my mouth violated until the burning went away.

I’m abstaining from mouth wash until Listerine Mint Fresh is on the shelves. Everything else is either too sickly or just dangerous.


::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


“Sir, would you like more time?” Said the waiter ever so gently tapping his index finger on the paper to let them know he didn’t really mean it. He was though smiling politely.

“Charles why aren’t you asking for the Jalfrezi? You always get the chicken Jalfrezi, why change a habit of a lifetime.” Said Marla in an unimpressed tone.

Charles was rubbing his sovereign ring against his lips deep in pensive thought. Where does Peter come from? What is his job? Where does he live? Finally before he left an imprint on his lip by his ring he thought of a way to answer Peter’s bombardment of questions.

“Yes, yes alright I’ll go for the chicken Jalfrezi please. And can we have a bottle of white wine for the ladies, I’ll have a lager and Peter what would you like?”

“I’ll have a pint of lager also please, Red Stripe if you have it.”

“We do sir, very good.” And with that the waiter scribbled the drinks order on his pad and walked away from the group.

Charles turned to Peter, his smile equal to that of the long haired man.

“I work for an independent insurance firm, very casual. I don’t really have to dress up for work that much. Just as long as I turn up the boss is happy enough. He knows I work hard and I work long hours. The branch is on Gobian Street. You say you need some property insuring, where about is the property located as that will play a factor on the choices available to you?”

“Yes, it’s a property not far from where you live actually Charles.”

“Is it yours?” Retorted Charles quickly.

“Well…Well, yes it is mine and no.” Said Peter starting to get slightly agitated.

“I didn’t know you had property Peter?” said Semmi suddenly dipping out of her conversation with Marla and entering another.

Peter’s anxiety became more visible once Semmi became interested and kept pushing his glasses back more frequently even though they hadn’t moved a millimetre. He rocked forward so that his hair flopped over his face, hiding himself from everyone. Charles knew Peter was a wily man and wasn’t surprised that he’d try and salvage him self more time to think. He could see in between the clumps of greasy brown hair Peter’s eyes darting around almost in a crazed fashion when suddenly he flings his hair back showing a calm expression spread across his face.

“My dear, I didn’t know until recently that my aunt bequeathed me a two bedroom apartment from her will. I thought I’d take this opportunity to ask Charles here for some advice as he is in insurance. So Charles what insurance company do you work for again?”

Peter had managed to wriggle himself out and infuriate Charles by putting him under pressure once again. Charles imagined grabbing his greasy hair and pulling it towards him and grabbing the candle stick holder from the table. Pour the wax over his head allowing it to set in his scalp before crashing the holder repeatedly over his cranium, over and over again until he squealed an apology to him. Yet, even though he can feel the satisfaction oozing through him, it is not possible in reality and he still needs to tackle the problem of lying successfully to Peter without losing his temper and start hitting him. His brain began to hurt trying to suppress urges of violence so he could formulate a plan.