I am sick

Grrr, I have been struck down by what many of the opposite sex denote as Man Flu. However, in my humble opinion it is a terrible illness that has rendered me unable to perform daily tasks such as shaving. At work, I sniffle through meetings and rock my head in front of my computer. When I talk it sounds like I’m chewing eight pieces of toffee whilst trying to ask where the train station is, in German. When I get home I just crash on my bed and delve underneath the covers until nestled in a comfortable position. In bed I have listened to Andy Murray beat Nadal in the US Open and then heard him get spanked by Federer in the final, all this in between sneezing, coughing and the occasional groaning.

I am bloody weak and it’s annoying. Physically I have the strength of Mr Muscle from those adverts. It seems my legs can only carry me a few metres before needing to rest. My arms have trouble holding on to an egg mayonnaise baguette and a bottle of blueberry juice. They were twitching in strain and I was glad to throw them on the counter once I reached the till. The till lady looked at me pathetically as my unshaved face and gaunt eyes looked around for the right change in my pocket. Mentally I’ve become slow, no more am I able to throw a four syllable word in a conversation to give my sentence some extra poignancy. Instead I grunt and if asked a question my mouth tends to open and my eyelids lower a little. It’s not a pretty sight and neither are the words that come out of my mouth which tend to be ‘bah’ or ‘whaaaa’. Even reading is draining my energy and I cannot seem to get through a paragraph without having to close my eyes for at least one minute. It is really annoying and highlights how much I miss being able to do things quickly and on a whim. At the moment I’m stagnate and morose unable to do anything or think of anything.

So to combat my ‘man flu’ I’ve adopted a fruit based assault. A concoction of tea, lemon and honey has had some affect. However, realising that it is only the lemon that contains the any useful properties I attempted to eat one on its own. This was not a good move on my part and shoving half a lemon in my mouth only made me contort my face into features even the elephant man would have been proud of. Still, after the initial gush of bitter juice running down my throat it got a bit easier. Someone also recommended drinking boiled water with ginger in it which again does not taste amazing but I’ll drink anything right now. I really cannot wait to get back to full strength again as I feel really weak and just in general, rubbish.

Ok, can anyone tell me why on every episode of The Midsomer Murders it is always sunny? How do they do it because England is such a rainy place (yes, these are the things that keep me awake at night)!