Dogs and Sharks

Over the recent years I have becoming gradually more and more scared of dogs. I am not referring to a Sausage dog or a Labrador. It’s the Rottweiler and the Staffordshire bull terriers that have me feeling all cold and shivery when I see one walking along the path. I didn’t really used to care about them but recently they’ve started growling at me and forcing their owner towards my direction.

For example, I was walking back from the off licence the other day after buying some wine and was day-dreaming a naughty scenario that included me and Sarah Silverman, when all of a sudden I hear this low pitch growl, Sarah Silverman shouldn’t growl I thought, so I looked around and from the other side of the path was a man of no great stature but a weather-beaten face holding the leash of a large Rottweiler almost as big as him. At first I thought it might have been the man who growled but the baring of teeth by his pet made me realise it was the dog. We were about 40 feet apart and coming closer with every step. I thought what should I do, if the dog goes for me. The sensible pragmatic side of me said cross over the road now and you will be fine but the side full of naïve self-pride said bollocks to that, if you walk away they’ll know it’s because of them. The only thing I could think of to defend myself would be my keys should it attack. Not much help there. Still I thought that these are public walkways and anyone should feel comfortable using them and besides the dog probably doesn’t want to take a chunk out of me, it’s probably just messing with my head. As we crossed each other I took a deft side step to the right to make sure there was plenty of space between me and the 100 pound animal which didn’t go unnoticed by its owner. “Don’t’ worry mate if he wanted to bite you it would,” fucking great reassurance.

But sometimes it’s the owner that makes me think oh shit, I’m screwed because they are so puny. One guy was practically being led by his dog and although he had the bling and the large silver chain as a leash there was no hiding the fact the Staffordshire bull terrier was taking him for a walk. On that occasion, the dog didn’t pay much interest to me but I was getting slightly freaked for the possibility that the owner wouldn’t be able to stop it if it did want some of my calf.

Yet thinking about it some more, ‘dangerous’ dogs are still well behind on the thing I fear most, Great White Sharks and the possible return of El Dorado to the BBC. Perhaps it was because I watched Jaws when I was far too young or that a rather large fish brushed past me in the sea when I was around twelve, but I am terrified of the Carcharodon carcharias. I have never seen one other than on television but the sight of them fills me with a slight awe but more predominately, terror.

It is not because I think they are evil and horrid. I admit if I’m in the sea then I may be considered food. It is the realisation that when one is near you and wants you then life is pretty much over. Seeing the fin gliding above the sea is the signification that death is coming towards you. Shouting won’t help, swimming away won’t help and no one can help you. And that’s what scares me. Knowing that I just can’t do anything but wait, even though it’ll be a couple of seconds before I’ve been slashed into pieces and then spat out because I wasn’t the juicy seal it was expecting.

I read an article about a surfer in San Fran who got attack by a Great White. He said that he got hit from below and he didn’t realise what had happened until he saw his board snapped in two and blood all around him. Then the next moment the shark bit into his rib cage but he still was able to shout for help as he tried to stop the shark from rolling him under by punching its nose. I couldn’t believe it as I was reading that he had time to scream for help. What was he saying? He was lucky because another surfer had heard the screams and originally fled but felt he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t turn back so went to his aid. By then the guy had some how managed to fight off the shark but was dying from the lack of blood because half his organs were hanging out. Still the other surfer saved his life by swimming him back to shore so that the paramedics could take him straight to the hospital.